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A Slice of Student Life - Aug/Sept 2022

Beware the lecturer


Beware the lecturer

A central aspect of being a student, is having various lecturers and tutors. Inevitably you, as student, will have a close connection with these tutors during your course of study.

As a third-year student, I have studied the A to Z of a college lecturer, and hereby present to you the study guide on surviving each of the different personalities you could come across:

The dramatic tutor
The most common feature of this type of teacher, is the power they have to force a giggle up your throat. Count yourself lucky if you encounter one of these. They often dance around the classroom, start to sing randomly, have a voice as loud as an engine, make you laugh on a blue day, and even smile while they are scolding.

These tutors are mostly drama or art tutors who can vary in shape and size. You might feel the urge to record them during class time and start a secret TikTok account. This is quite normal, but make sure you always place the camera’s viewfinder slightly above the table, ensuring that the rest of the phone is safely hidden below the table.

The sinister tutor
They are everywhere. You cannot escape these tutors. Usually, they teach on a dark Monday morning when the ominous clouds shed their tears too. With drooping mouths and baggy eyes, they stare into your shriveling soul. Their weapons range from a series of loud screams to a long, icy finger that shows you the way out of class.

To survive the sinister tutor is a dreadful task, but achievable. You must be on time: Skip breakfast, forget the morning coffee and always, I repeat, always be at class fifteen minutes early. Self-evidently your work must be handed in a week before due date and your mouth glued when encountering these torturous beings.

The therapist
Whether bottling up your tears after encountering the sinister teacher, or failing a test or lacking a good night’s rest, you can find peace at the therapist. These tutors are not qualified therapists but can vary from merely teaching ballet to calculus or programming. They are the heartfelt tutors from whom you can receive wisdom and peace.

Top tip to making the best of your time at college: Talk to these tutors during class time – then you don’t have to work at all and have a stress-free life. You might fail this class, but at least you will be happy and content.

The baker
No, I am not referring to pastry chefs. These tutors can teach any subject but have the added speciality of literally baking in class. You heard correctly. They are very rare but do exist. You will be blessed with food, ranging from home-baked donuts to waffles, cupcakes, and free lollipops.

As a student, the budget can get tight, therefore you must handle these tutors with utter thankfulness: Always say thank you and eat everything you can. (That means taking you friend’s donuts as well.)

The slang teacher
College can be a big change in a young person’s life. Many times, we move away from home (Namibia, in my case) and our vocabulary clearly distinguishes us from the rest. But do not fear. The slang tutor will guide you on this new journey.

Just listen (I know, this can be difficult) and after a while you will receive beautiful melodies of madness, such as:

“Money in the bag” – a term used when succeeding, said with a Capetonian accent. “Who is she?” – a term used when feeling confident. “I feel nothing” (with emphasize on the word nothing) – used when other people repeat their nonsensical mistakes.

My final tip to all prospective students: Appreciate each one of your lecturers and categorise them as soon as possible. This will help you survive each class with great fanfare.

Sareez Basson


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