The safe space
Remember how a parent constantly guided us on how to look after our safe space – our beds? But as students we drink coffee on our beds, turn it into our dinner tables and even our workspaces. Until disaster strikes.

The first vital step to surviving in college is: Keep your safe space, well… safe: Do not drink your hot cup of coffee on your bed. Stop eating on your sheets and under no circumstances use highlighters whilst “desking” on your bed. You will regret it dearly.
Factory stores and friends
After scrubbing bedsheets for hours (which probably still look like your dog’s blanket), you desperately need to rush to the closest shopping centre to get rid of the anxiety. But before you spend all your money and have none left for food, listen to this pearl of wisdom:

Rather spend your cash on the crazy sales at factory outlets. There is also a second alternative: Friends. Yes, you heard right: There is a 24/7 sale in the dorm room right next to yours. Merely walk in next door and take whatever you need – clothes, sheets and food – all only for the cost of a smile. If they see you, however, run. Run and do not look back or you could be assassinated.

Stools and step tools
Another tip I ignored from my mother was standing on chairs. Trying to be an exemplary student, I cleaned my windows, but tragedy struck: My windows remained dirty, leg injured and, of course, my chair broken. But as I fell a fearful height of 1 meter, I gained wisdom: Step tools. Your magnificent, white chairs do not deserve your stinky feet. Rather buy a step tool or a ladder and avoid serious injury or even concussion.

Meals worth the money
I have witnessed a great terror in my years of studies. I’ve seen many students munch multiple McDonalds’ meals along with 2-minute noodles. And they all stayed hungry. In fact, they are probably still starving as I’m writing this. You could be one of them, easily caught in the trap of feasting on fast foods and yet gaining no nutritional value.
Thankfully, this fourth pearl of wisdom can save your life: A packet of apples costs only 30 Rands and did you know that if you make your own home-made meal, you will not only fuel your body sufficiently, but also ensure proper blood flow and avoid early death?

YouTube and Yoga
Staying alive, as a student, can be difficult: You cannot drink coffee on your bed, need to avoid shopping centres, use ladders, and even make your own meals. This can become draining and take a toll on your mental health. But there is one last piece of wisdom that could keep you breathing: YouTube and Yoga. YouTube is the new escape key to dreadful lectures. Simply skip class. You never have to go. Within the comfort of your home desk – not your bed – rather watch YouTube lectures. No fear failing class, YouTube will help you pass.

If not, then simply switch to some yoga videos. Rewriting your exam will come with ease if you skip class and breathe.

By following these five pearls of wisdom you will not only enjoy college, but also avoid death at all costs.

Sareez Basson